Do I Need the Twelve Step Program?

From an Anonymous Contributor:

I think there is not a single Woman who has attended the 12 step meetings in Heber City- who has not felt this way. I was one of them. Here is the condensed version of my story.

I am an older Sister. I have children still at home- and some married children. I am a Grandmother, active in the LDS Church and the wife of an addict. My Husband has struggled with sex addiction since his early childhood. Only I did not know till about 2 years ago that he was an addict. 10 years into  our marriage I discovered that he was looking at pornography- but I did not realize that he was an addict…I did not know then that there was such a thing. I thought he was just doing something he shouldn’t- and he needed to confess, repent and move on. I could never understand, as this problem kept coming up – WHY didn’t he just stop? The problem seems to be “cyclic” with him. So just when I would believe that he was better and it was all in the past….it would happen again…and with it- all the pain and distrust and agony would resurface. The last time this happened, my husband began attending the 12 step program sponsored by the Church. Then he went to the Bishop, and started the repentance process yet AGAIN. A few weeks into his attending the meetings, he told me there was a meeting for the wives. My FIRST response was: I’m not the one with the problem!! YOU ARE!!!…I wasn’t going to those meetings!!! Besides….I was sure someone would recognize me. We have lived in Wasatch County for decades….someone was sure to know me…and I DID NOT want anyone to know!!!

About seven months into his attending 12 step, he brought home a letter from the Sister who was serving as the facilitator for the women. It was encouraging the wives to come to the meetings. She also talked about the help that is there and the support. I kept the letter, and read it several times. There was a part of me that was drowning. The pain I had suffered and was still suffering was eating me alive. One of the most difficult things about this kind of addiction, is the fact that you CAN”T openly discuss it. You are left with no- one to talk to. Even though I had counseled with our Bishop, and received a Priesthood Blessing from him, I needed healing.I had over 2 decades of carrying this burden around deep inside- and years of saying when people would ask- how are you? “Oh I am GREAT!! Smiling on the outside- and self destructing on the inside. The idea came to my mind one day after reading the same letter- which included the e- mail to the facilitator, that I could e-mail her. I would FINALLY have someone to talk to, and still maintain my anonymity.So I did it. What followed, were days and days of conversation with her. She e-mailed me the 12 steps and began working them with me, one on one. The first step was really hard for me….I couldn’t understand why the focus was on ME and MY ISSUES! Hey! It was my husband who had all the issues!!! I hung in there- and honestly approached that first step. It was SO PAINFUL, and yet so freeing to talk to someone. I cried more tears than I thought was physically possible. But in this experience I was brought to the depths of humility. I experienced  more love from the Lord and felt HIS power MORE tangibly than I think I ever have in my life. We moved on to step 2….and a miracle happened. I began seeing and feeling that it was possible for me to heal. I had the most amazing spiritual experience- that honestly – I can not even find words to describe. I felt the desire to forgive my husband. Prior to that – I was not sure I was staying in the marriage, I was so without hope. Step Two is “HOPE”….As I began working this step via e-mail, the facilitator said: “You need to come to the meetings! You will get so much more if you do”. I KNEW she was right. But I still had that FEAR of people knowing me- and my “secret” would be out. Day after day, the facilitator worked with me, and kept trying to encourage me to come. The Holy Ghost was also working on me at the same time. I KNEW I NEEDED those meetings. I had a taste of what was there in the steps and I WANTED more. So I FINALLY decided to go.

The night of my first meeting I could not eat the dinner I prepared for my family. I was sick to my stomach, and REALLY wondered if I would make it thorough the evening. I was nauseated and also feeling faint. We rode over to the Church together and I went in  through the doors. As I got closer to the room we met in, I really felt like I was going to pass out. I was SO AFRAID. But I took a deep breath, prayed and walked in. Immediately I recognized one of the Sisters there and one of the Missionaries. Yes- it was true…I saw people I knew. BUT…..what followed, was the best experience I have ever had  in my life. How was it possible, that something that had been an excruciating source of pain, was now such a blessing? I became closer to my Savior through this than I could ever have imagined. My testimony of the Atonement has grown and my life and my marriage have been blessed. I will never be the same. I look back now- and think- what if I had never gone? There IS a chance you may know someone. But the healing I have experienced has made it all worth it. I feel a love and a bond with those sisters, and it does not matter to me now that they know. I have support- and I will always have support. I will never be without someone to talk to again.

I have a testimony of this program. And I will be FOREVER grateful to the Lord for helping me find it. I have thought to myself – it is unfortunate that EVERY member of the Church can not go through 12 step. It will CHANGE your life. But you have to choose to do it. You have to GO…and you DO have to WORK the steps. The blessings that come are beyond your imagination. I want to assure you that your privacy is highly regarded and protected. ONLY the sisters in those meetings know my story. That has never been compromised. I also know that I am not alone here in our beloved Heber Valley. The need is great. It crosses all ages- it is not a “young person problem”. The problem of pornography addiction affects all people from all walks of life. Your husband may be in a Bishopbric. He may  be well known in our community. But sooner or later, you will have to face the fact that YOU CAN NOT  HEAL ON YOUR OWN. We are so blessed to live here and have access to this program. Sisters have been called to serve as Service Missionaries and Facilitators, because the Lord KNOWS we NEED them. They are among those angels that Elder Holland has spoke of. I hope my story will inspire you to take YOUR deep breath, and seek out the help that is there for you. Prayers have been uttered in your behalf. You are loved, and you are NOT alone. PLEASE take that step. You will NEVER regret that you did.

Overcoming the Fear and Worries

After I overcame the initial shock of discovering my husband’s addiction and reality had sunk in, the questions began. Sometimes I even felt quite emotionally stable but the questions never stopped. It seemed every song I heard, news headline I read, comments other people made, always triggered a thought even if whatever it was that triggered the thought had nothing to do with addiction. It seemed no matter what it was, everything circled back to the addiction. But then when a straightforward comment about addiction was made even in sacrament meeting or somewhere completely innocent it would be like a punch to the stomach. If my husband was working later than usual, if he was in the bathroom a long time or taking a long shower I would wonder what he was really doing. When we went to public events I wondered who he was looking at and what he was thinking. If he was having a bad day I wondered if he had slipped. I was always fearful of what he wasn’t telling me. The nonstop questions robbed me of peace and comfort within my heart. I found happiness throughout the day but seldom felt true joy and sometimes I felt like life was something to endure and blessed would be the day that it was over. I thought true joy would not be found in this lifetime again. So what I want to share with you is how did I overcome that? How did I get my life back.

First of all it is a process. It doesn’t happen all at once, there is no instantaneous cure. In fact I still have a ton to work on it but I promise that through faith, hope, desire and choosing to be healed it can and does happen.

I would like to share a few experiences throughout my process that helped. First and foremost is attending twelve step meetings, studying the manual and applying the principles. As we go through the steps as a group I am writing a little bit about each step and how it has been applied in my life and the lives of others. I would suggest reading my post for step one, it ties very closely to what I am writing here.

Probably the second biggest help for me was recognizing the need to control my thoughts.  Just as my husband has to control his thoughts and not allow inappropriate thoughts to enter his mind and entertain them,  it is the same battle for me.  When I allow the questions to linger and analyze the possible answers or what could possibly be going on I could feel my emotional stability plummet.  I would get nervous, anxious, fearful, etc.  I found I could manage my feelings much more efficiently if I didn’t start down the slippery slope of entertaining the bad thoughts.  It was not always easy and still is hard some days, but fighting off the thoughts is much easier than climbing back out of an emotional hole.  I have also found that the more I practice not entertaining the negative thoughts and questions, the easier it becomes.

I know they are basic answers we hear for everything, but prayer, fasting, priesthood blessings and studying the scriptures has been huge. As I have drawn myself closer to the Savior he has given me much needed strength and many very sweet moments. But just as we are taught, I had to knock for the door to be opened. I had to humble my heart and allow myself to be healed. Yes, sometimes I would wallow in self pity, resentment or anger but ultimately I learned these negative emotions blocked the spirit so I had to choose to be willing to surrender those feelings to Jesus Christ and choose to keep fighting for my happiness. Sometimes this meant multiple prayers throughout the day begging for strength. Sometimes it meant calling a support person for words of hope and encouragement. Sometimes it meant reading from my twelve step book, the scriptures or a conference talk for even a few minutes to change my thought processes to something positive.

I had a moment that has helped me more times than I can count that I would like to share with you. One morning I had the thought come to me as clear as if someone were literally talking to me. It was as if the Lord had posed the question, “your husband is in trouble, he needs your help. To help him you will have to learn things that are hard and may hurt but in return you will also be able to help yourself be a better person too. Are you willing to help him?”. My immediate thought was, of course I would help my husband, I would do anything for him. In fact, the question seemed ridiculous. Well, the question was not truly posed to me but essentially that is what was asked of me. My husband had tried to stop his addiction many times on his own and could not. I needed to catch him for him to get on the path to recovery. Don’t mistake that to say that I can heal my husband, I cannot! It is his journey, his choices, that he has to make and work through, I can’t cure it and I can’t stop it. But I can love him, encourage him and support him. When I get discouraged I think of that moment and it gives me a lot of strength to press forward.  When I dwell on the negative thoughts and questions I feel on edge and my husband would feel like he was walking on egg shells.  At times I would lose control of the thoughts and would end up being angry at my husband making him feel guilty and worried about my stability.  Which in turn made it harder for him to focus on his own recovery.  The best way I could help him and support him was making him feel loved and supported which only came after I helped myself.

I also like to envision we are literally on a battlefield with Satan. He was cunning when he laid the plan to trap my husband into sexual addictions and he may have won that battle, my husband got trapped but it was just a battle, the war is not over.  Part of Satan’s plan was to destroy my marriage, I refuse to let him win that battle. Satan also wants to destroy my faith and happiness, I refuse to let him do that.  If I give in to the fears I am basically letting Satan gain ground on me. The addiction may have controlled my husband but I refuse to let it control me.

As I have worked the twelve steps I have had a much greater understanding of the mote and beam parable. When I am focusing on my husbands problems I become judgmental, self righteous and blameful which only makes the anger, resentment and feeling sorry for myself that much worse. When I focus on my own weaknesses, even though they may not be on the same scale as his, I become a better person, I see myself becoming better, I find gratitude in more things. And above all, I see how we all make mistakes, we all need forgiving, that is why we are on this Earth. When I focus on my weaknesses instead of his I get a much better perspective that helps me feel more at peace and I feel the comforting Spirit much more. Steps 4-9 are a step by step process to do this. As I worked through those steps I learned so much about myself and the healing and perspective I gained is indescribable.

I could write books about my pathway to recovery but so could every person that is finding healing. The journey is personal, it is unique for each of us because Heavenly Father knows each of us and our struggles, needs and personalities. I pray you will take a leap of faith just as Lehi and Nephi did and countless others and step into the unknown. Be willing to let the Lord guide you and I know he will help you ways you never thought possible. I can honestly say I am finding joy everyday now. I no longer am haunted constantly with fears and questions and for that I am eternally grateful.

out in the light

Another great website which is done by Deseret Media.  http://www.outinthelight.com/

Ways I am finding healing

I would like to share some the things that have helped me the most in my personal life and in my marriage:

Personally

1- The most dramatic way I have found healing is by studying and applying the principles of the 12 step program (which to me is basically an in depth handbook to applying the atonement)

2-The normal things we are told to do constantly but that I had taken for granted in the past but now have a renewed, vibrant testimony of:  prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, priesthood blessings, fasting, etc.  (I like writing down the priesthood blessings I get and can review them in times of struggle)

3-Reading and studying ensign articles and conference talks from the general authorities

4-Keeping a gratitude journal and focusing on things to be grateful for, remembering what is good in my life (and yes, sometimes this takes a lot of effort).  I even did this with my husband, where we each wrote the top five things we loved about each other and shared them.  Things like that have helped me remember why I love him, why he loves me and why it’s worth going through this for.

5-I look back at where I started when I found out about my husbands addiction and where I am now.  When I realize how much I have grown, and what I have learned and how I have been strengthened, it helps me be grateful for the trial.  I would not be the same person without it.  It also helps me remember that even though sometimes it’s hard, I am succeeding, I am making progress and I must continue to be diligent, faithful and patient.

6-Journaling has been a great tool for me.  It helps me with what I wrote about in 5) and it helps me get my feelings out and often times I learn a lot about myself when I start writing, it has been a time that I receive a lot of inspiration.  (I also tend to do my best thinking in the shower – I think it is the concept of quiet mediation time wherever that might be)

7- Talking with others who are struggling.  I helps me in having my feelings validated and feeling the love and support of others and learning from them.  These people are angels sent to me from above and I am grateful for the gift.

My Marriage

1-My husband and I have shared what we have learned as we have went through the 12 step program.  We are now closer spiritually and emotionally than we have ever been because we are opening up to each other and getting to know each other on a level like we have never reached before.  Communication has been huge for us.

2-We have had to put into practice the gospel principles of understanding, compassion, forgiveness, patience, charity, etc.  As these principles have been applied it has been very healing.

3-We wrote a list of goals for us as a couple and a family that will strengthen us and help us stay on track.  Just writing these goals together was a great experience and I know as we live by them our marriage will only continue to grow.

4-My husband and I write little notes, cards, texts, etc. to each other regularly letting each other know how proud we are of each other’s efforts and progress.  Expressing our love for each other and the things we are happy for.  It has been a great tool in helping us focus on the positive,  not to mention that love is a great motivator for doing well and our love for each other has grown immensely.

5-We have made changes in various things that have helped such as: we always go to bed together, we wake up in the morning before the kids to study scriptures and often times have a discussion on what we have read, we very seldom watch tv, we cannot afford to go out often so we will play games and have treats after the kids go to bed (at  least once a week), we pray together every single night, etc.

6-Serve each other!

What is Tolerance?

I read an article today that makes sense of my past marriage and illustrates the emotional self-reliance that the 12 step group for women teaches.

(I stayed for nearly a decade in my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive  marriage because I misunderstood the principle of Christ-like forgiveness and tolerance.)

In this month’s New Era/Liahona article by Elder Russell Nelson, “What Is Tolerance?” ( see http://lds.org/liahona/2011/03/what-is-tolerance?lang=eng) Elder Nelson writes: “Your gracious tolerance for an individual does not grant him or her license to do wrong, nor does your tolerance obligate you to tolerate his or her misdeed.”

He also offers a note of caution: just as overdoses of needed medication can be toxic, boundless mercy could oppose justice, and “tolerance, without limit, could lead to spineless permissiveness.”

He reminds us that the Savior “drew boundary lines to define acceptable limits of tolerance.” and adds that “Real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation—not acquiescence!”

I did not understand this for years.  Maybe I didn’t want to understand it, because it was easier to live with my spinelessness, in the name of forgiveness and tolerance, than to stand up for my own dignity and truth and to be fearless of the consequences of standing up alone.

Combatting Pornography

Here is a link to a fantastic church website on combatting pornography.  http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/

Sanity in not having tv

posted by: Sacajawea

I was thinking today that I really believe a part of my husband’s and my sanity, and the love and passion that is in our marriage, comes from not having t.v. in our home.  Really! T.V. takes over, like a loud, obnoxious relative in a room.

We didn’t mean not to have t.v.;  we just never got antennaes and then never paid for cable.  (Now we do have antennae but we almost never have time or desire to turn it on.  We get daily news from the Internet, anyway.)

If my son were to have said what his friend said the other day about his dad having a t.v. girlfriend that he loves, that isn’t his mom, I would have been extremely hurt and felt wedged.

The rightful sense of belonging to your true love gets damaged by the inevitable possessive/jealousy thinking that happens when women (at least this woman) are wondering if their man is being seduced by whatever actress is prancing around half-dressed in front of him on t.v. –And I am sure it can go for both genders.  It’s just not helpful.

Lots of t.v. is innocent.  They display human bodies with respect and dignity.  But lots of t.v. is just a hair away from being pornographic in spirit.

There are many stops on spectrum of displaying human bodies in the media.  It goes from wholesomely pretty on the innocent side, to sexy-pretty in the middle, to seductively sexual–deliberately aiming to derail others’ consciousness, on the other side.

How many people are equipped to sense that sly move easily?  We can get so distracted by the plot of the story or the interesting aspects of the show that they ignore the obvious intrusions on wholesomeness.  I think it is a very subtle and widespread tool of Satan that gives people whiffs of sexuality at inappropriate times, and slowly desensitizes people to the offense to their love that they’d otherwise take.

“Will my marriage survive”

Here is a link to an article published in response to someone asking whether her marriage will survive and how.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705368704/Ask-Dr-Elia-Will-my-marriage-survive-his-addiction-to-lust.html

In Trying Times, Just Keep Trying

I recently read a book by Merrilee Boyack titled “In Trying Times, Just Keep Trying”.  It is without a doubt a favorite for me and one I should read every year at least.  It helped me a lot to “just keep trying”.

There are ten chapters in the book as follows: 1) Facing the Storms of Life, 2) Choosing to Stay True and Faithful, 3) Choosing to be Positive and Grateful, 4) Choosing to Learn and Grow, 5) Choosing to Fight and Win, 6) Choosing to Love, Listen, and Fill our Lives with Light, 7) Choosing to Nourish Body and Soul, 8) Choosing to Celebrate the Good, 9) Choosing to Let Go and Heal, and 10) Choosing to Move Forward.

As you can see it is a theme that we “choose”.  The author of this book went through many hard trials and is learning many lessons and choosing to use the stumbling blocks as stepping stones.  It was very motivating and inspiring for me and made me recommit to be a better person and CHOOSE to be faithful, grateful, choose to learn, love, fill my life with light, choose to be healed.  The book is not only motivating but helped me learn how to do it, how to get through, how to fill myself with positive affirmations.

-Facilitator

Lessons From Liberty Jail

Here is a link to an article titled “Lessons from Liberty Jail” by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that can be found in the Sept 2009 Ensign.  I just love this article because it is so motivating to work through my trials and find the good in them, find how I can grow and not wallow in my self pity.  http://lds.org/ensign/2009/09/lessons-from-liberty-jail?lang=eng&query=%22Lessons+From+Liberty+Jail%22

-Facilitator